SCENE ONE.
Bedroom.
Rina paces in front of April as
if giving a lecture. April flips
through a composition notebook.
RINA
Why we should get married: reason 1. I
would be excellent for you personal brand.
APRIL
I haven’t read a lot of Sappho.
RINA
I’m an “academic.” You’re an “artist.” It
writes itself.
April flips a page.
APRIL
We’re students.
RINA
I TA four classes. I read your poem in that
very legit-looking magazine.
APRIL
“I desire and I crave.”
RINA
When your little art friends ask what your
significant other does, you get to say “she’s
a philosopher.”
APRIL
“Dear lady, don’t crush my heart with pains
and sorrows.”
RINA
Instant credibility. Prestige. Institutional
support. A firm philosophical backbone to
your future work. I’ll need to update you
on my positions on Aristotle which have
evolved in the past year.
April recoils.
RINA (CONT’D)
Aristotle was such a little emo sadboi, I
love him and his stupid mind. I should’ve
brought you a copy of his Poetics. Damn.
Next time. For now, the obvious will have
to do.
APRIL
You did all these translations yourself?
RINA
My courtship gift to you.
APRIL
This is 200 pages.
RINA
They’re part of my dissertation.
APRIL
Oh. Good.
RINA
Did you know I speak 9 languages?
APRIL
You don’t “speak” Ancient Greek.
RINA
8 languages.
APRIL
Mm.
RINA
Say “my girlfriend is a philosopher.”
APRIL
Reason 2?
RINA
Of what?
APRIL
Of why we should get married.
Rina grins.
RINA
Reason 2. Your brother is already married.
If I am going to get into your family, it’s
going to have to be through you.
APRIL
Don’t see how I benefit from reason
number 2.
RINA
Consider this a manifestation of my love
and admiration towards your parents.
APRIL
My parents love you.
RINA
They do?
APRIL
In the words of my dad: “she’s easy to be
around.”
RINA
Your dad said that? Unprompted? (o! APRIL)
You brought me up.
APRIL
I don’t remember the context.
RINA
Did you tell them about this trip?
APRIL
Absolutely not.
RINA
What would they-
APRIL
“My tongue is frozen in silence. A fire
buzzes under my skin.” That’s a good line.
RINA
Burns.
APRIL
Your handwriting is-
RINA
Burns under my skin.
APRIL
Buzzes is stronger. Buzzes under my skin.
April crosses out ‘burns’ in the composition
book. Rina smiles and shakes her head.
APRIL (CONT’D)
As you were.
RINA
Reason 3. Your parents love me. I would be
an easy sell. They already love me.
APRIL
Fair point.
RINA
Your parents and I have an incredible
rapport. They are two of maybe seven or
eight people in the world who can keep up
with me intellectually. Especially your dad.
I am your dad. Reason 4. Marry your dad.
APRIL
Does that make me Miguel?
RINA
Miguel is an alcoholic.
APRIL
I could become an alcoholic. Many poets
are. I could be John Berryman shitting
myself in the hallway of Columbia
University. Writing inscrutable yet
violently sexist poems about my dreams.
RINA
Columbia is much closer to Boston.
APRIL
We’ll see if they take me.
RINA
Let’s go back to your dad.
APRIL
Okay. My dad.
RINA
What are the odds that you would find your
dad in the body of a voluptuous woman?
Truly negligible. This an opportunity that
cannot be passed up. You are nothing like
Miguel.
APRIL
You have similar humor to my dad.
RINA
We make an incredible team especially
when we’re ganging up on you. Remember
the time we convinced everyone that you
liked being called “Ape” and it stuck for six
months?
APRIL
How could I forget.
RINA
And your dad took out that ad in the
yearbook-
APRIL
I remember!
RINA
With that masterfully photoshopped
image of beauty-
RINA
Your little face… right in the
APRIL (CONT’D)
Thank you for bringing
that up. Yes, I loved that.
APRIL (CONT’D)
Okay. Let’s move on.
RINA
Whatever you say, Ape.
APRIL
Okay!
APRIL (CONT’D)
Thank you for bringing
that up. Yes, I loved that.
APRIL (CONT’D)
Okay. Let’s move on.
Ape-y.
Rina laughs for way too long.
RINA (CONT’D)
You have a stunning lack of daddy issues.
APRIL
Meaning?
RINA
Never texts… never responds… chilly
demeanor… scarily healthy self-esteem…
APRIL
That’s not true.
RINA
Not so needy like the rest of us.
APRIL
Maybe it’s true.
RINA
It’s strangely appealing.
APRIL
Is there a reason 5?
Rina thinks.
RINA
Spousal hire. In case you want to teach.
APRIL
Mmm.
RINA
You would love teaching.
APRIL
I took a transformative class called
“drawing architecture.” Not architectural
drawing, no. We just drew buildings. There
were no grades. I could teach that.
RINA
You artsy, pretentious fuck.
APRIL
The teacher was one of those grizzled,
leathery woman with jet black hair and one
gray streak in the front.
Rina smirks at April.
APRIL (CONT’D)
Yes, I know.
RINA
Is she your root?
APRIL
My what?
RINA
Your gay root? The thing that made you
realize-
APRIL
Oh. No. Certainly not.
Beat.
RINA
Did you know three of my students from
this semester switched their majors to
philosophy because of my class? Three!
This is the beginning of my army!
APRIL
Are you out of ideas or are we just taking
an aside so you can brag about yourself?
RINA
Brag? Me?
APRIL
Give me more reasons.
RINA
Reason 6. I am an excellent teacher.
APRIL
There she goes-
Rina points at April.
RINA
Freshly gay.
Rina points at herself.
RINA (CONT’D)
Excellent teacher.
APRIL
I’m not freshly gay. I’m just freshly out.
RINA
Which is to say, fresh.
APRIL
What do you have, a year on me?
RINA
That’s a generation in queer time.
APRIL
So you want to be my gay mother.
RINA
I believe the appropriate term is “daddy.”
Beat. Both laugh.
APRIL
We’re done. New reason.
RINA
I’ll give you a hundred dollars if you call me
daddy once.
APRIL
Great. I’ll buy one tank of gas.
RINA
I had someone to show me the ropes.
Michelle. Was her name. She was 38 and I
met her on the beach in Sitges during the
hell that was grad school applications. I
learned a lot from her.
APRIL
38?
RINA
This is a really good reason, actually.
APRIL
Learned what.
Charged beat. April balks.
APRIL (CONT’D)
New reason 6.
RINA
Why?
APRIL
Unauthorized use of the word “Daddy.”
RINA
Reason 6. I put up with you.
APRIL
How difficult.
RINA
And your domineering ways.
APRIL
I am not domineering.
RINA
And your pathological need to be
worshipped.
APRIL
Domineering?
RINA
And your unflappable ego.
APRIL
I guess in a subtle way.
RINA
And the fact that your chosen name is
“Ape”-
APRIL
Call me that one more ti-
RINA
Ape. What?
RINA (CONT’D)
Well you interrupted it.
Beat.
RINA
Okay, fine. Don’t tell me. Just leave me to wonder
forever.
APRIL
I will.
RINA
As punishment.
APRIL
Okay.
RINA
You like punishing me.
APRIL
Alright. Continue.
RINA
Reason 7. I have excellent genes?
APRIL
Hmm
RINA
We both know you would have to have the baby.
My brother would happily donate the sperm.
APRIL
Never.
RINA
Why?
APRIL
I hate children.
RINA
You? I’m shocked.
APRIL
I don’t hate them. I just don’t like touching them.
RINA
I would hope you don’t go around touching
children.
APRIL
I’m too selfish for children. Also I hate pain.
RINA
May I reiterate reason 7. I have excellent genes.
APRIL
You would go through the violence of childbirth for
me?
RINA
Yes?
APRIL
You know if the baby gets stuck, they’ll slice
whatever they need to slice to get it out. They’ll rip
it out of you with a pair of forceps. You get no say.
Beat.
RINA
You really know how to woo a girl.
APRIL
Juiced, are you?
RINA
Well, not after you said the word juiced.
Never again now that you said the word
juiced. Yikes, where did you learn that?
It sounds like something out of a Robin
Thicke song.
APRIL
I thought we established this already.
RINA
That you have no game?
APRIL
It’s something I find interesting about
myself.
RINA
You fucking would.
APRIL
I’m pathologically unable to flirt. I talk
about what interests me. I wouldn’t say I
have a lot of suitors, but I can’t get rid of
the ones I have.
Beat.
APRIL (CONT’D)
Reason 8?
RINA
I resent being lumped in with your suitors.
APRIL
You’re only competing with a couple of
woefully unsuccessful men ten years older
than me to whom I am nothing but cruel.
That appears to be what I attract.
RINA
Stiff competition.
APRIL
Disgusting.
RINA
Ay? Ay?
APRIL
Move on.
RINA
Reason 8. Your brother could donate the
sperm.
APRIL
I’m never asking my brother for sperm.
RINA
I’ll do it.
APRIL
No thanks.
RINA
The natural way.
APRIL
He’d never do it.
RINA
Why not?
APRIL
Maybe if he put it in a jar-
RINA
You know it’s a good idea.
APRIL
That I never saw-
RINA
It’s the only idea.
APRIL
No.
RINA
Unless his sperm is no good.
APRIL
Reason 9?
RINA
Could have low motility.
APRIL
Reason 9!
RINA
Reason 9. You like me.
Beat.
APRIL
I do?
RINA
And you don’t like anyone.
APRIL
Well-
Beat.
RINA
So you do like me.
APRIL
I don’t like anyone.
RINA
I wouldn’t be here if you didn’t like me.
APRIL
I told you to come?
RINA
You didn’t say no.
APRIL
Which means come?
RINA
You would’ve said ha ha jokes up and then
I would’ve pretended that I hadn’t bought
the plane ticket.
Beat.
RINA (CONT’D)
You like me.
APRIL
Maybe.
RINA
You do.
Ruthie Prillaman
Ruthie Prillaman is a best-selling author, poet, and musician from Potomac, Maryland. Her first middle grade novel, written with Kate McMillan, was published by Aladdin Books in 2024 and became a USA Today best-seller. As a librettist, she has received commissions from choirs and orchestras across the country and recently premiered a new narrated orchestral work with the Utah Symphony. She is one half of the classically-inflected cosmic folk duo, Small Fools along with her brother, Nathan and will tour in late 2025 with The Oh Hellos. She currently lives in Los Angeles, CA, where she writes for film and television.